<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Now You Know It's Really Gonna Blow by Peababy</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28130781">Now You Know It's Really Gonna Blow</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peababy/pseuds/Peababy'>Peababy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>PHCJ-inspired works [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Lorde (Musician), Taylor Swift (Musician)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>AU where Taylor released Lover but not folklore or evermore, Accidental Death, Cheating, Crack, Crossover, Deletion, Dick Smacking, Kidnapping, Lorde has a huge dick, Multi, Necrophilia, Pegging, Revenge, Set in 2021, Swearing, Terrorism, is it a crossover if these people are all real, is it pegging if the girl has a real dick, phcj asked me to do this, this was gonna be a songfic but it's hard when it's crack</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 14:22:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,225</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28130781</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peababy/pseuds/Peababy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lorde is back from Antarctica. But when she learns about what happened to the people she left behind, she has to enjoy herself a bit... and deal with the consequences of leaving her lover alone.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ariana Grande/Taylor Swift, Jack Antonoff/Lorde, Lorde/Scooter Braun, Lorde/Taylor Swift, Taylor Swift/Lana Del Rey</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>PHCJ-inspired works [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2060835</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Now You Know It's Really Gonna Blow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I was requested to do this I put all the blame on this thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/popheadscirclejerk/comments/kc4sen/fresh_lorde_caught_riding_scooter/?ref=share&amp;ref_source=link</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was 2021, and the COVID pandemic (which didn’t happen in universe) was over. Lorde was once again living in Jack’s apartment as they gave the last few touches to her third studio album. After hours of recording, the two decided to take a break.</p><p>Jack’s apartment was quite nice. Not the most beautiful and charming thing ever, since he rarely paid attention to how it looked, but it was comfy. Ella loved the view. How she could see the people walking past the building, and the Sun coming down, and Jack smiling at her.</p><p>“Why don’t we come out?”, questioned Jack.</p><p>“What?”, replied a confused Ella.</p><p>Jack soon realized what he just said, and became flustered.</p><p>“That’s not what I meant!”, he shouted. Lorde laughed at his reaction, and he just stared at her.</p><p>“People wish that’s what you meant, though. Besides, Jack, people are kind of onto us. Haven’t you seen the PowerPoint?”</p><p>Antonoff scratched his head. People wish he was gay?</p><p>But Ella was right. After that damned PowerPoint presentation, Lorde disappeared from the internet, leaving everyone behind. Leaving Jack behind.</p><p>“Yeah, I have. Anyway, you were in Antarctica, so I don’t know if you know, and I’m sorry to break the news to you, Ella, I don’t even know how to say this, but… Scooter’s dead.”</p><p>Leaving Scooter behind.</p><p>--</p><p>As soon as Lorde turned eighteen, Scooter came to her like a dog. But he was already married to Taylor, and Lorde was fucking Jack in the ass, so it didn't seem like it'd work, but they somehow worked it out. But Lorde eventually forgot about Scooter, and Jack, and Taylor, Lana, Kanye, her own music, and just started living in the empty, snowy Antarctica…</p><p>Lorde was shocked to learn what happened to Scooter: his face disfigured and unrecognizable, a dildo shoved down his throat, his hospital bed drenched in blood. It couldn’t be real, could it?</p><p>It had been a long time since Lorde visited Taylor, but she felt like she had to. Taylor never found out about the cheating, of course, and the two of them didn’t talk to each other much ever since Melodrama dropped.</p><p>“Taylor? Are you home?”, Lorde said as she knocked on Taylor’s door. The devil’s door, in a way. Because Ella was not ready for what was inside Taylor’s home.</p><p>Ariana Grande, Lana Del Rey and Taylor Swift were there. Drinking tea. They weren’t even British, so why were they drinking tea? All three of them were white women, so they should’ve been drinking wine. Maybe not Ariana, Lorde didn’t even know if Ari was white anymore.</p><p>“Ella! Come in, please! We’re having a tea party. Join us, come on!”, cheerfully nagged Taylor, pretty much forcing the Kiwi woman to enter such a mind-boggling situation.</p><p>Lorde hated Lana. Her music was shit, Lorde thought to herself. She’d talk about Lana as if she was some right-wing piece of shit, and she kind of is. Lana seemed to be cool and composed and nice and friendly and gentle and interesting, but she was just a fucking annoying bitch who didn’t know any better. That’s what Lorde thought, anyway.</p><p>“Taylor, I’m sorry to… I’m sorry for bringing this up, I just heard about Scooter and… I’m really, really sorry.”, said Ella.</p><p>“It’s okay”, replied Taylor. “I’m over it now.”</p><p>Taylor started tearing up. She wasn’t over it. Someone knocked on the door again. Taylor opened the door, and Katy Perry stood outside.</p><p>“I guess it’s never really over. Want some daisies? Smile.”</p><p>“I fucking hate you, you bitch.”</p><p>Taylor slammed the door right on the flop’s face. Katy Perry was Taylor’s least favorite person in the whole world. Even though Katy couldn’t do anything but flop, Taylor was incredibly annoyed by her because Perry would never stop knocking on the blonde woman’s door and mocking her by referencing her own flops. The other day, Katy knocked on Taylor’s door and just threw a basketball in her face. By 2021, Katy just stopped making music and began to sell flowers, and people started calling her poor. Just because it's over doesn't mean it's really over, Katy thought.</p><p>“I just miss him so much!”, Taylor blurted. “I hate him because of what he did to my masters, but I miss his round, sweet booty so much!”</p><p>Ah, that booty. Lorde also loved that booty. Her dick slid right into his hole, it was magical.</p><p>Taylor knew Lorde’s dick very well, since the two were friends for some time. Even though Taylor was a dom top, Lorde was <strong>the</strong> dom top. They never talked about it to anyone, because it wasn’t Swift’s cottagecore lesbian era yet.</p><p>“Disgusting. A man’s ass is made for pooping, and not for sex.” Lana was out of touch, but then again, she had been out of touch for years now, and no one cared enough to correct her.</p><p>“I regret inviting you. I’m gonna write about you in my next album.”, Swift barked.</p><p>“I love you, Taylor. At least your dick isn’t real.”, replied Lana.</p><p>Everyone stared at Lana Del Rey. Even Ariana, who wasn’t really doing anything. Lorde pulled her pants down, and her dick kind of flopped, now that it was free. She then took it in her hand and hit Lana with it in the face.</p><p>“You fucking bitch.”, Lorde said, as the sound of dick smacking echoed across Swift’s living room.</p><p>--</p><p>Lana left immediately after getting smacked by the Lorde’s penis, because a dick is a dangerous thing for a woman to have - and Lorde has it - and also because they ran out of tea. Ariana had not spoken a word the entire time, since she realized no one understood what she was saying anyway. Anitta was too fucking annoying to ever get invited, and Pabllo Vittar was not mainstream enough, so Ariana just stood in silence. She would occasionally smile and laugh, which cannot even be Portuguese, but no words were ever said.</p><p>Since it was morning in New Zealand, Lorde left Taylor's home. It actually wasn't because of that, she just wanted an excuse to get out of there. Taylor would just talk about how her album is charting, but little did she know Lorde led a review-bombing group on Metacritic which lowered Lover's score by a lot. Taylor didn't check Metacritic because she was too much of a billionaire to care, so she never knew.</p><p>Lorde stole one of Scooter's scooters, which were still in the middle of Taylor's front yard, and scooted herself to the morgue where Scooter's body was. Now, I'm not going to describe what happened in there, because I'm sure you don't want to know what she did in detail, but basically, she beat the dead scooter. With a capital S. With her dick. I'm talking fwap, fwap, fwap, that's a fucking weird-ass phuck. Scooter was dead, so no one was really sure if he was enjoying it, but Lorde definitely was. The people of Reddit were onto her, claiming she was a murderer, but at least she wasn't a corpse maker, she was a corpse fucker.</p><p>After what seemed like hours (of sex), Lorde left and went back to Jack's apartment, where she would be staying for the night. Jack was asleep when she got there, so she tried making as little noise as possible.</p><p>And then someone knocked on the door. Lorde opened it, fully expecting it to be Katy Perry trying to sell her daisies, but it was actually Lena Dunham. "Who is this?" I, the creator, ask. "You DON'T know me?", replies back a shocked Lena. "I don't. Bye." I delete Lena Dunham from my story because I don't fucking know who she is. Lorde just watches in silence because she fears me, but I'd never delete her.</p><p>Someone knocks on the door again. Lorde opens the door, and now it really is Katy, but she doesn't have her daisies. "How do you do it? How can you not release an album for four years and still be relevant?", Katy asked, tears forming in her eyes. She must be missing her career, Lorde thought to herself, but... she didn't know how to reply to such a question.</p><p>"Look, Katy, you need to take a break. You need to understand that it's okay to fail, because it means you're trying. You can't just pump out albums all the time, you need to do what makes you happy, what cheers everyone around you up."</p><p>"Your last record was literally about a breakup."</p><p>Ella was speechless. It's true.</p><p>"Does it matter, Katy? I charted and you didn't."</p><p>Katy started crying. Charts meant a lot to her. She thought she was over them, but she was never really over her problem.</p><p>"Oh God. Katy, please, it's okay. Look, I'll do a song with you on L3. Okay?" Lorde didn't really want to, but she wanted Katy to stop crying.</p><p>"Okay... okay." Katy seemed to have calmed down. It worked.</p><p>"So smile!" Lorde yelled, as she smiled. But Katy didn't like hearing that, and left the apartment crying. Maybe Smile is a sensitive topic.</p><p>Lorde enters the bedroom, preparing to wear something that doesn't smell like dead asscheeks especially after that tiring conversation with Katy, but then she realizes something.</p><p> </p><p>Jack isn't there.</p><p>--</p><p>Ella turns the lights on, and all the walls are covered in the words “Look what you made me do”. Taylor was definitely behind his disappearance. Lorde was freaking out, of course. To have Taylor Swift kidnap the guy you’ve been fucking only for her to go and probably fuck the guy? Actually, it was probably because she was working on new albums, but that was a risk the Lorde could not take.</p><p>Lorde eventually came across a letter laying on the couch. She hurriedly opened it.</p><p>“Jack is in my basement, and he is not coming out so soon. Good luck with your next release! - TS”</p><p>Does she think she’s Beyoncé? Keeping people in her basement?</p><p>Lorde immediately grabbed her telephone and basically smashed all the keys, trying to call an old acquaintance.</p><p>“Halsey? Halsey, don’t hang up.”, pleaded Ella. “What is it?”, inquired an angry Halsey. It was morning in New Zealand after all, but Halsey wasn’t in New Zealand, so it didn’t matter. “I need you to blow up Taylor Swift’s basement-- don’t hang up! I know what you did to Pitchfork and I need you to do it to this basement as well. Please.”</p><p>The Kiwi woman had no one else to ask for help: Katy was just as inoffensive as her daisies, Lana was a fucking bitch, Ariana couldn’t talk, I deleted Lena, Jack was the one kidnapped, Scooter was dead. Halsey was her last hope.</p><p>“Okay”, said the woman behind 9/11. </p><p>And the world was a better place again.</p><p>--</p><p>It took less than ten minutes. Taylor’s home was destroyed, its basement exposed. Lorde came to Jack’s rescue, only to find out that not only he had died in the blast, but Taylor was also pegging Jack’s corpse. Lorde naturally jumped on Taylor and started pegging her too. Ariana, who was still in Taylor’s home when it blew up, somehow lived the explosion because God doesn’t punish twice. Jack was dead, from what Lorde understood, but she had fucked a corpse that same night, so it hardly mattered that she was fucking the woman who was fucking a corpse. Taylor’s dick was a lot thicker, but Lorde’s was longer, so Jack wasn’t used to such a thick dick. But he’s dead. So it doesn’t matter.</p><p>After hours of endless fucking, Katy Perry showed up. “You should retire!”, she screamed at Taylor, who was too tired to listen. Lorde had a lot of stamina, so she punched Taylor and left. On her way out, Perry whispered to Ella, “Swish swish, bish.” And Lorde replied with “Katy, I agree, but you need to let go of Witness, it was garbage”, before leaving everyone and the destroyed mansion behind. As she left, the sound of Katy's crying served as background music.</p><p>With all the stress of having her boyfriend kidnapped and accidentally killed, smacking Lana with her dick, fucking a corpse, telling Katy she’s a flop, and seeing someone get straight-up deleted from existence, Ella went back to Antarctica. Maybe the world wasn’t ready for L3. Maybe she wasn’t ready for L3. No one was. Katy would have to wait.</p><p>Taylor became poor because she never thought she needed home insurance, and ME! flopped. </p><p>Ariana eventually ascended and became a Goddess, entering the Guinness Book as the first God who is a woman. </p><p>Katy Perry kept flopping even though she wasn’t even doing music, she just couldn’t chart in the flower-selling game. </p><p>Halsey fled from the country to avoid being prosecuted for terrorist attacks. </p><p>Lana Del Rey was eventually canceled and boycotted everywhere for being kind of a bitch, and COCC turned out to be bad because Lana doesn’t like COCC, she likes systematic oppression.</p><p>Jack stayed dead and all the pop girlies became poor without his production. </p><p>Scooter stayed dead. </p><p>Lena stayed deleted.</p><p> </p><p>But far from them, one woman watched over the chaos. The only woman to have three #1s with the same album. Her mind went ‘click’.</p><p>And it all made sense. How she was feeling then.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this will be a trilogy im just waiting for the right moment</p><p>a lot of things have inspired this mess but i will not tell you what exactly :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>